Dear Diary 33

by Rod

'I only have to look at food and I put on weight' [Thinks: She must look at an awful lot of food is all I can say.]

'Isn't he sweet. Did I say that out loud?' Amazingly, this was said about me – admittedly by a very drunk dyke. Funny, I've never seen myself in those terms...

As Geordie wouldn't pay Scouser, the patio didn't get finished; Geordie had to do it himself. Mrs Geordie had insisted on a difficult diagonal pattern for the tiles (If you’re not paying, go for the best, that's what I always say.) I had a look at the new bit he had laid. Geordie had them lined up fine in one direction but totally wrong in the other. 'It's not really Scouser's fault but I can't line them up both ways because of the way he did it originally.' Rubbish! For the technically minded you just draw a line down both diagonals and where they meet is where you put the first tile on the new bit. 'Simples.' It does not look good...but Geordie can - and does - blame Scouser. (Better than admitting it's his fault to Mrs Geordie – she's scary.)

Talking of Scouser, his grandson had a tattooist kit for his 18^th birthday. Yep! He asked Scouser if he could practise on him. He now sports quite possibly the worst tattoo I have ever seen. And the grandson is going to 'improve' it the next time they meet up. I look forward to seeing the result...

We finally got fed up with having no water pressure so we had a reserve tank and a pump fitted. Unfortunately I fell for the sales talk about having the biggest tank possible. We are now the proud possessors of a 1000litre water tank. Talk about trying to ignore the elephant in the corner...still we are unlikely to run out of water – unless we have a water cut an power cut at the same time.

Herminia told us how lovely the front of our house looked. We hadn't actually started to repaint it at the time said it. Maybe she is colour blind or just being polite?

Everybody in the village knows about Geordie's drinking habits now. He is only allowed 3 litres of beer and 60 cigarettes a day. All rationed by Mrs Geordie. But he's a canny lad. When he goes for his daily 3 bottles he buys an extra, large, can and hides in the plaza and drinks it down with an extra fag before toddling home. Unfortunately all the bread, milk and veg delivery men have noticed and point him out to all and sundry. He still thinks no-one has noticed. Bless him.

The Toxteth Terminators are back. Drunk all day puking in the bar peeing in the street (an that's just the women!) They must have just got out of prison again. A Spanish girl wants to rent their house when they are away... I suggested to her this was probably not a good idea. They've gone again now, but not forgotten.

One of the Spanish families we know is going to Edinburgh. The husband is going to drive. He says it is easy, based on the 200 yards he drove on a totally deserted private lane in England with us a couple of years ago. I think he's in for a shock. They were having difficulty finding accommodation, then we realised they had decided to go the week before the Edinburgh Festival. Still all seems to be OK now. STOP PRESS No, they have just been to the house to get yet another email sorted out. So far they have booked rooms (twice) in a 4* hotel, cancelled them and then booked an apartment.

Antonio across the road, rested his bike against the boot of his shiny new car car then slammed the garage door. Result big dent in the boot lid...

Guardian Reader has scrapped another tyre! Only this time, as they no longer make that model of tyre, he needs to buy 2! I think the garage is having a laugh... Apparently when driving he is better at turning right than left. This could be a bit limiting. He also decided to go for broke whilst overtaking and went head-to-head in a game of chicken with a white transit van coming the other way on a windy mountain road whilst he was overtaking a slow car. He lost. Apparently all three passengers in the car were reduced to tears and thought they were going to die. (Brown trousers and bicycle clips all round?)

Bertha and Desperate Dan called. (The ones who never pay for a round in the pub...) They never call me so they must have a problem... Yep! Their PC has broken! They have never backed up their data - 6 years' worth! They have already 'borrowed' my recovery software and I talked them through 'safe mode' and modifying the BIOS and I have even offered them an installation disc they can use – but I'm not going to actually do the new install for them. They still had the cheek to ask if they could they also 'borrow' a memory stick for their data backup? 'No...'

DD&BB were driven by friends to a pub so they could see their daughter. Sat down, bought 2 drinks for themselves but not their friendly driver and his wife! Paid of their own meal separately and didn't pay towards the petrol either! Lovely people.

All the paint fell off our garage door so we had to repaint it. We finally settled on a 2-pack epoxy. The trouble is it starts to harden as soon as you mix the two components together. So I had just two hours to get both doors painted – before the paint set rock hard and the sun came round to that part of the house and burned what I had just done. The speed I would have liked to paint at was that of the 'William Tell Overture' the speed I could actually get the paint on to was more 'Handel's Largo'. It was a close-run thing! The last bit of paint solidified in the tin as the sun came round onto the garage doors and the temperature shot up to unbearable.

Mr & Mrs GR rushed up breathlessly and asked where the metalwork shop was that they had just visited in the next village. Huh? They described it perfectly right down to the receptionist! No, I couldn't work it out either. I didn't ask...

There we were, minding our own business in the queue in the bank, when a very irate builder with three big, burly, muddy, employees in tow marched up to the front - funnily enough we didn't protest. He then treated us to a tirade about the liars and cheats on the local council who hadn't paid him for work he had done. He then proceeded to name them one by one! After this he made a great show of asking each of his workers how much he was owed and paid it out of his own bank account. They looked very embarrassed but no doubt were very glad to get their money. I suspect there has been a similar problem with the new road bridge that has just been built. When I left in mid-October it was all but finished. A full month later it is still not open. Maybe that builder is waiting for his money too?

We are used to the local children practising their English on us but the Gypsy boy's 'Good morning' turned out to be 'Give money' when we listened more closely.

After arriving at a restaurant on a Sunday/Festival day without a reservation and being kindly found a table, my table-mate panicked when told there may not be a set meal that day muttering: 'I'm not paying for a la carte' then standing up to leave without checking – even after being found a table on a very busy day!
Has Dear Diary reached its 'sell by' date? Please let me know what you think. I get very few replies from most of the people I send Dear Diary to. I'm sure that interesting, odd and quirky things happen to you as well. I'd love to hear about them.
That's all folks!